Lord Of The Rings: Counseling Sessions
by Perfectly Miss Nobody
Summary: *UPDATED TO CHPTR 3* Just like the title. Humourus, like the bloopers. LotR characters meet Doctor Nick and Doctor Molly to try and psycho-analyze them (peters request ^_~)
1. The Introduction

LotR: Counseling  
-----------------------  
Summary: A product of my vivid and quite strange imagination.  
Peter made me do it!   
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my sense of humor and god knows where I found that.  
-----------------------  
  
Cast:  
/////  
Doctor Molly  
Doctor Nick  
/////  
Main:  
Frodo  
Sam  
Merry  
Pippin  
(Dead) Boromir  
Sauromon  
Gandalf  
Aragorn  
Arwen  
Elrond  
Black Rider *number* 3  
Gollum  
(Multitude of) Orcs  
Legolas  
Gimli  
/////  
Appearances By:  
Eowyn  
Faramir  
Tom Bombadil  
Ghost of Sauron  
///// 


	2. Chapter 1: Introductions

Chapter One: Introductions.  
  
  
  
Nick: Hello everybody! This looks like a promising bunch of lads doesn't it Doctor Molly?  
  
Molly: It sure does Doctor Nick!  
  
*random muttering from everyone else*  
  
Pippin: *brushing (dead)Boromir's hair*  
  
Orcs: *conducting belching contest*  
  
Molly: Anywhoo! To get us all started, I thought that maybe we should go around the room, and introduce ourselves to each other, by saying our name, and three of our _favoritest_ things!  
  
Nick: Ill start Doctor Molly! Then we will goto Frodo, and so on and so forth! My name is Doctor Nick, and I like ice cream, balloons, and cuddly kittens! Your turn Frodo!  
  
Frodo: My name is Frodo Bagg...Underhill! Mister Underhill! And I like.....the ring.........the shire....weed....  
  
Molly:...GOOD! Sam?  
  
Sam: My name is Samwise Gamgee. I like Bubble baths, Mister Frodo, and long cuddly walks at night! *grinning at Frodo*  
  
Frodo: *shudders*  
  
Nick: Alrighty, good job Samwise. Ok next is....Merry.  
  
Merry: I'm Merriadoc Brandybuck. I like beer.....ale.....and pints!  
  
Pippin: I'm Pippin!   
  
Nick: Thank you Merry, Pippin it's not your turn yet. Now it's Legolas' turn!  
  
Pippin: I like Boromir....Merry....and that stone thingy...  
  
Molly: Pippin, be respectful.  
  
Legolas: My name is...  
  
Pippin: This here is my pal Boromir.  
  
Legolas: HMMPH!  
  
Nick: Here's a lollypop Pippin.  
  
Pippin: YAY! *sucks on lolly*  
  
Molly: Legolas, please continue.  
  
Legolas: *pouting*  
  
Nick: Please?  
  
Legolas: Alright! My name is Legolas Greenleaf. The most beautiful elf in the world. I might add that I am prettier then Arwench *giggles*  
  
Arwen: Hey...  
  
Molly: Now Legolas, those are bad words. Those words hurt other people. Please make Arwen feel good and say you're sorry. Say those nice words and it will make her happy.  
  
Legolas: *sigh* I'm....sorry....  
  
Molly: Good Legolas. Im proud of you! Here is a gold star sticker because you said such nice words!  
  
Pippin: I want a gold star too! I dropped m'lolly in Borimirs hair and it won't come out!  
  
Sam: If I had a gold star, I'd give it to Mister Frodo.  
  
Frodo: *mutters* the hell you would  
  
Orc: *burp*  
  
Black Rider #3: Shire.....Baggins...  
  
Nick: Everyone, breathe. Lets take 10 personal seconds to breathe. Lets count to 10 and think of our favorite things, and then we will start talking.  
  
Sam: 1..mister frodo..2...mister frodo..3..mister frodo..4...  
  
Pippin: I want a gold star!  
  
Legolas: *puts gold star on hand*  
  
Merry: *drinking a can of beer*  
  
Molly: Breathe everyone! Calm blue ocean!  
  
Pippin: Waaaaaah!  
  
Nick: ALRIGHT THE BLOODY LOT OF YEH SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR *beep*ING HOLES NOW BEFORE YOU GET DOCTOR NICK *beep*ING MAD!  
  
*silence*  
  
Molly: *stunned*  
  
Nick: Alright then...Now where were we, Black Rider 3?  
  
Black Rider #3: Shire...Baggins.....  
  
Nick: Right. Pippin, it's your turn.  
  
Pippin: Im hungry.  
  
Nick: Right. Boromir.  
  
*silence*  
  
Pippin: Boromir says he's hungry too.  
  
Nick: Right. Arwen.  
  
Arwen: My name is Arwen, and my 3 favorite things are...Pretty Dresses, Aragorn, and... horsies.  
  
Molly: *ahem* Thats good *getting voice back* Aragorn?  
  
Aragorn: My name is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, heir to the throne. My favorite things are my crown, my robe, and my throne.  
  
Arwen: Hunny, you didn't mention me.  
  
Aragorn: They said 3 most favorite.  
  
Arwen: *getting pissed* Yes they did.  
  
Aragorn: You're number 4.  
  
Arwen: YOU *beep*ING *beep*ER! WHY I SHOULD *beep*ING *beep* YOUR *beep* THRONE UP YOUR *beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*  
  
Merry: *drinks beer*  
  
Sam: Ooh my *faints*  
  
Molly: Calm blue ocean. This is good, this is good. Tell him your feelings Arwen, but use pretty language, not mean language. Bad words can hurt someone, and you don't want to hurt him. Lets try and use words like "I think..." and "Why don't we" and "We should"  
  
Arwen: *fuming* I think that we should *beep*ING *beep* YOUR STUPID *beeeeeeeeep*....Why dont we?  
  
Molly: That isn't exactly how we should do it Arwen, but this is good, this is good. Well I think we all have had a bit much today. This is good, isn't it Doctor Nick?  
  
Nick: It sure is Molly, I think we should resume tommorrow. How about that guys?  
  
*muttering*  
  
Molly: Good! There's food outside....  
  
*everyone runs out leaving papers flying and Nicks toupee fluttering off his head*  
  
Nick: That was...good.  
  
Molly: Peter was right, they are insane. 


	3. Chapter 2: The Next Day

Chapter Two: The Next Day  
  
Nick: Hello Doctor Molly!  
  
Molly: Hello Doctor Nick!  
  
Nick: Why, Doctor Molly! You look very pretty today!  
  
Molly: Why thank you Doctor Nick!   
  
Nick: How about you, Gandalf. Who do you think is looking Pretty today?  
  
Gandalf: *sigh*  
  
Molly: Aww look at that sad face. What is troubling you, Gandalf?  
  
Gandalf: *tearing up* Well......Sauromon.....in....my room.....touched.....my.....spe-special place *sobbing*  
  
Nick: Oh, alright. Pippin, who do _you_ think is pretty today?  
  
Pippin: I'd have to say Boromir.  
  
Boromir: *hair put in pigtails with pink ribbon tying them*  
  
Pippin: *pats Boromir who tips over and falls onto the floor*  
  
Molly: Right...ok then today, I think we are going to do a fun activity called *does air quotes* Shockingly Fun!  
  
Sam: Hey! You didn't ask _me_ who is pretty today!  
  
Molly: Ok Sam! Who do _you_ think is pretty today!  
  
Sam: *blushes* I think Mister Frodo looks pretty today.  
  
Frodo: *shudders*  
  
Nick: Instead of *air quotes* Shockingly Fun, lets play *air quotes* I never...!  
  
Molly: Oh! How do we play that, Doctor Nick? *cheesy grin*  
  
Nick: Well I need, one volunteer, to pass out the glasses of water.  
  
Everybody: ME ME ME ME ME ME!  
  
Molly: Right, Arwen, you can pass out the water.  
  
Arwen: *passes out water*  
  
Nick: Now we go around the table and say 1 thing we have never ever done and if anyone else has done what we just said, they take an eensy weensy sip of water from their glass.  
  
Molly: Ok! I'll start! Hmm....I've never....killed anyone!  
  
Everyone except Molly: *takes a sip*  
  
Molly: Oh my...  
  
Nick: My turn! I've never...been naked in public doing strange tribunal dances!  
  
Legolas, Pippin, Gandalf, Sam, Aragorn, Black Rider, and Gollum: *taking a sip*  
  
Nick: *looks disgusted*  
  
Frodo: I've never worn women's underclothes.  
  
Sam: *blushes and takes a sip*  
  
Frodo: *shudders*  
  
Sam: I've...never....been in love....with Boromir!  
  
Aragorn: Liar!  
  
Pippin: M'cup's empty. I need some more!  
  
Nick: Let's everyone breathe...  
  
Merry: *fills Pippins cup with Ale*  
  
Aragorn: Don't deny it Samwise, I saw you that night.  
  
Pippin: I gotta go pee pee!  
  
Nick: *breathing deeply*  
  
Molly: You may use the bathroom, Pippin.  
  
Pippin: Yippee! *heaves Boromir over his shoulder and leaves*  
  
Gandalf: *hisses* Fool of a Took!  
  
Molly: Gandalf! Lets not take our angry feelings and pile them onto Peregrin. That loads him down with your anger and it would make him a sad person. We wouldn't want that now would we?  
  
Gandalf: I...am....sorry.  
  
Nick: Good job Gandalf. Would you like to go next?  
  
Gandalf: Ok! I have a pretty good one. I've never had a crush on Frodo. *cheeks tinge pink a bit*  
  
*EVERYONE takes a sip*  
  
Molly: Gandalf...  
  
Gandalf: Fine, I lied *takes a sip*  
  
Frodo: Er...this is just...er...eep! *runs away, passing Pippin and Boromir who is now wearing lipstick, who are coming back in (rather pip coming in lugging boromir ^_~)*  
  
Nick: A troubled soul, that Frodo is.  
  
Pippin: Boromir had to pee pee too.  
  
Arwen: He's *beep*ING DEAD! HOW CAN HE TAKE A *beep*ING PISS IF HE IS *beep*ING DEAD?!  
  
Pippin: *begins to cry*  
  
Molly: Arwen...  
  
Arwen: *dumps the rest of her water on Aragorns head* *beeeeeeeeeep* and your *beeeeeeep* up your *beeeeeeeeeeeeep* with the goat and *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*  
  
Orc: *burp*  
  
Nick: THATS IT G-D*beeep* I *beeeeeeeeeeeeep*ING QUIT! *storms out*  
  
Molly: *takes a deep breath* Tommorrow at 9 am shapr. Me and Doctor Nick wil see you all here for shock therapy and then other sessions.  
  
Sam: *breathing* 1...mister frodo...2...mister frodo...3...mister frodo......  
  
Legolas: *braiding Gimli's hair* If you just apply-lather-rinse 3 times daily, you might have my beautiful hair.  
  
Gimli: *snorts*  
---------------------------------  
  
(A/N) You like so far. It must be funny because I don't think its complete crap yet. Thank you so much RogueAngel, IcaWolf, and Arri for reviewing, it means alot. Also, I don't know but I have this strange image of Pippin being obsessed with Boromir's body. I dunno, its one of my strange quirks, but if you don't like it you don't have to read. Reviews would be welcome, as would *constructive* flames *as if there is any* 


	4. Chapter 3: Just Say No

Chapter 3: Just Say No  
  
Molly: Hello everybody!  
  
silence  
  
Molly: HELLO EVERYBODY!  
  
All: Oh..hullo hi hello *random greetings*  
  
Molly: Hello then! Well to be honest, Doctor Nick, in a fit of drunken rage hit a large stationary object with his small car, and is unable to be with us this morning. But soon....we shall be with him... *looks of glazed*  
  
Merry: Ah, is the old guy dead then?  
  
Molly: What kind of question is that?  
  
Black Rider #3: No, come on lady, tell us if he is sleeping with the fishes or not.  
  
Molly: *tearing up* You guys are so mean! Oh, and Black Rider #3 do you need some cough drops?  
  
Black Rider #3: Oh no, no I'll be fine thank you.  
  
Molly: Are you sure? Your voice sounds horrible.  
  
Pippin: I-Is he re-rea-really dead? *sniffle*  
  
Molly: *sigh* Yes Pippin, he is.  
  
Pippin: Oh good, can I have his body? Boromir is quitte lonely.  
  
Gandalf: *sighs heavily*  
  
Molly: Moving on....so instead of having our shock therapy today, we are going to have an inspirational speaker against drug and alcohol abuse. His name is Joe, he has been convicted of 45 felonies including marijuana. He actually....hasn't been convicted of anything else than drug use and possession. His wife too. Well anyway...  
  
Pippin: Whats Mary Juana?  
  
Molly: Its eeeeeeevvvill!  
  
Pippin: Kinda like Gollum, or Sauromon, or Sauron, or Sam--  
  
Molly: Thats enough Pippin!  
  
Pippin: Even Frodo is kinda heading into evilness...  
  
Frodo: Am not!  
  
Pippin: You do that whole seizure thingy with the ring when you hear Sauron calling you.  
  
Sauron: I do not....  
  
Sauromon: My lord, you're back!  
  
Sauron: Not for you, I'm here for the ring.  
  
Molly: The ring is not here. Please go away.  
  
Sauron: Oh its not? Oh ok, well I'll see you later.  
  
Molly: No no no, Peter says you must stay for this one. He wrote his notes down here about who is to attend each session, and, oh yes here it is, he underlined Sauron for the 'Drug Counselling' 7 times....in red ink...he also circled your name and put...5.6...7 arrows pointing. He said someting about red eyes. He circled that a couple times too.  
  
Sauron: Oh shi....  
  
Molly: THERE WILL BE NO FOUL LANGUAGE IN MY....ROOM!  
  
Sauron: Sorry, ma'am.  
  
Molly: Thats right.  
  
----------------------------------------------------  
  
Ah I don't have enough time to finish this, so Ill just leave you in a cliffhanger. Will Sauron survive drug counselling, did Peter run out of red ink after refering Sauron to counseling, does Pippin get Doctor Nick's body too? All this and more in Chapter 4: The Continuing epic of Joe (and his multi-cultural counterpart Jose, and his idiot wife) 


End file.
